This Really Kind of Explains It

... maaan," says college sophomore, taking a bong hit while sitting on the floor of his cluttered dorm.

Game of Thrones Predictions

SPOILER ALERT! -ed.

The Game of Thrones season finale airs tonight, and I've been thinking a lot about how they will wrap up S7 in preparation for the show's final season. Season 8 will be only 6 episodes long, which is not many, considering how much they have to resolve. Here are some fanciful thoughts about what might happen to lead into the final season... 

1. Clegane Bowl - the Hound appears to be headed for King's Landing, so this seems like a strong possibility. I hope it happens. It's pretty logical from the trailer for E7: Cersei springs a trap on Dany, Jon, & company, and the Mountain and the Hound end up fighting one another. Maybe the Mountain is vulnerable to dragon-glass. 

2. Jaime - I think he will either die or switch sides, or both. Like Clegane Bowl, switching sides could take place in the context of a big melee, and perhaps Brienne will be involved in his shift. 

3. Sansa and Arya - the events in Winterfell from the last episode didn't make any sense, unless... Arya and Sansa are actually conspiring together against Littlefinger! Arya, disguised as Sansa, kills Littlefinger. BOOM! We know that Littlefinger almost single-handedly started the War of Five Kings, but really, he can't be a central villain if no one knows who they are fighting against. The show has two main villains for S8: Cersei and The Night King. Does it really need a third? Time for him to go. 

4. The Valyrian knife - it was featured prominently this season, and I think it's time we learned who was behind the assassination attempt against Bran. Cersei? Jaime? Littlefinger? If it turns out to be Littlefinger, and he is killed, that would neatly wrap up his storyline. 

5. Jon & Dany - unfortunately, it looks like they are going to get together, unless there is some timely exposition from Bran, who has all but disappeared in the last couple episodes. 

6. The Night King - the final shot of the episode will be of the Night King riding his newly undead dragon over the army of the dead on their interminable march toward the Wall. (I think they've been walking towards it since before S1 started.)

What do you think? Do you have any predictions? 

Inconceivable!

So Princess Buttercup married Humperdinck after all, and the Prince decided not to kill his Bride. Instead, Florin's newly-anointed power couple have conspired together in order to take the crown of Florin for themselves, and to consolidate power over Guilder. All that while having depraved three-way trysts with Count Rugen.

The Prince & Buttercup are not without problems, however: the Albino's body lays undiscovered in the fire swamp, having been clubbed by a bar wench for being too creepy. Who knows what the ROUS will do with the corpse. And Vizzini, with his wealth and acumen, has sided with the king and strives against them. Ultimately, though, Vizzini realizes that he cannot match Humperdinck's maneuvering. In a desperate gambit, he switches allegiance to Humperdinck. And the king, found to have visited Miracle Max one too many times, must step down.

Meanwhile, Westley still longs for true love, but his turn as the Dread Pirate Roberts has corrupted his soul, and he lives only as a mercenary to the highest bidder. Poor Inigo Montoya is gone, having been discovered dead under mysterious circumstances following a relapse into alcoholism. Did Humperdinck and Buttercup have him killed?

It looks like only Fezzik can save the day, but he has been curiously missing thus far. 

Oh, haven't you seen House of Cards?

(My mid-season review is here). 

House of Cards, Falling Down: A Mid-Season Review

Obligatory notice: contains spoilers --the mgmt. 

House of Cards is a show that delights in its own cynicism, and Kevin Spacey's charm keeps his monstrous character perversely appealing and entertaining in spite of his abhorrent traits. His smiling, soulless portrayal of Francis Underwood alone makes the show worth watching. Halfway through season two, however, the rest of the drama is beginning to creak under its own weight.

Doug Stamper is an absurd character: on one hand, he is so extremely disciplined and loyal as to cover up not one, but two cold-blooded murders committed by his boss, manipulating the FBI to do so. Somehow, though, he is simultaneously sloppy and stupid enough to sleep with the one person who could truly bury Underwood. This contradiction strains credibility beyond belief.

The prostitute, the most expendable person in the chain that links Russo's death to Underwood, is still alive, and instead Underwood kills Zoe Barnes to protect himself. As happy as I was to see her go (she was just so annoying), it makes no sense. But if we accept it, still, there are problems: discouraging Rachel from getting involved with the church group seems extremely short-sighted: shouldn't Stamper let her forget her old life, and get her thinking about a new one? Tightening his grip on her seems surest way to get her to rebel. 

Here's another question: what is Claire's long game in sowing dissent between the President and the First Lady, using Christina Gallagher as her pawn? How do the Underwoods gain by fostering marital discord between the Walkers? It just seems like lazy intrigue, and beneath her as the shrewd and ruthlessly calculating woman introduced in the first season. Similarly, Remy Danton sleeping with Congresswoman Sharp is another example of soapy drama that doesn't seem to have much future.

President Walker has little charisma, no folksy charm, no fierce intellect, and lacks a convincing will to power. Why is he president? The show casts him as one of its weakest characters, which also strains credibility.

Apart from the Underwoods, one other bright spot of the show is Gerald McRaney's Ramond Tusk as Frank's primary antagonist. McRaney seems comfortable in the role of villainous rich eccentric, having done a turn as a similar character in Deadwood. Unfortunately, the show can't seem to maintain the quality of its antagonists: portraying Feng as a depraved billionaire seems like a hackneyed and superfluous trope.

I hope that the second half of the season addresses these shortcomings and answers my questions, because together they are sinking the show in my eyes right now. If I find no satisfying surprises and answers to these issues, I will be hard-pressed to tune in for a third season.

Final note: Netflix on Comcast sucks. Also, too.

Pretty Much

Don't Wanna Be Like That

Last night while folding laundry, I caught the better part of a new evening game show called Take It All. In the first rounds, contestants compete for unusual and increasingly expensive prizes by guessing their value, and at the end of each round, the contestant in possession of the least valuable prize is eliminated. I have to admit, I was drawn in by the sometimes bizarre prizes and their surprising values.

In the final round, when there are only two contestants left, the game is changed: the last two players must negotiate a deal in order to actually win the prizes. The game is decided by a secret ballot - if both vote to "take mine," they each go home with the prizes they accumulated throughout the game. If one contestant votes "take it all," that person takes both players' prizes, and the loser leaves with nothing. The catch is that if both contestants choose "take it all," then neither of them wins anything.

So basically, the object of the game is to convince, cajole, coerce, trick, and/or manipulate the other person into selecting "take mine." It is deceit and avarice for the purpose of entertainment. I was sick to my stomach after watching it.

Take me away.

Angry Angels in Outer Space

Well, I finally finished Battlestar Galactica. Ugh, what a mess.

My main problem with the series is the same one I've had all along - the majority of the characters are simply plot devices. They would take an extreme position in one episode (or set of episodes), then take the exact opposite position, sometimes in literally the very next show, solely for the sake of creating dramatic/storyline tension. This is the single worst feature of the series, and it happened again and again. In my opinion, a good story evolves from the conflict between well-defined characters holding on to cherished beliefs. It drives me crazy when a character appears to change a deeply-held conviction for no other reason than that the writer needs to amp up the discord.

The absurd result is that one week, we see Adama inciting a mutiny and a coup d'etat by forcing Cylon technology on to the unwilling fleet, only to abjectly refuse it for his own ship in the next. Starbuck drives her own crew to mutiny over her single-minded quest, but then coldly rejects Adama's desire to rescue Roslin. And so on and so on. The characters most victimized by this phenomenon: Starbuck, Adama, Apollo, Ellen, Baltar. Even Tyrol, Caprica-Six, and Zarek fall prey to this trope. In short, almost all of the main characters of the series are tainted by this problem at one time or another. In fact, out of the entire ensemble, only Tigh and Agathon seem consistent throughout the course of the series.

The writers made religion a major theme of the show, but it became a muddled and ultimately meaningless cacophony. This is the next major problem. Take the One True God. On one hand, OTG seems to embody the most appealing elements of mystical monotheism: a loving, compassionate, and merciful being that calls all living things to embrace these values. But OTG also apparently plays everyone like pawns, using visions and fates to drive humans and Cylons alike to their destiny in spite of themselves. Moreover, Six-Angel and Baltar-Angel, OTG's most prominent evangelists, are shallow, vain, manipulative, seductive, and crave violence, sex, and destruction.

Meanwhile, the 'false' (???) colonial gods are... what, exactly? All I have here are questions, because there doesn't seem to be any clear definition. Are they truly false? Are they as capricious and wicked as Baltar claims? The teachings of the colonial religion seem to be generic new-age feel-good stuff. So Baltar can't be completely right. So are they a pale shadow of OTG?

I have more questions about religion in the show: why isn't the Cylon civil war cast into more explicitly religious terms (a "OTG for Cylons" faction vs a "OTG for All" faction)? And why doesn't the backlash against human monotheists develop into an all-out religious war for humanity? In the latter case, there are some hints at this, but it doesn't seem to go anywhere, mainly because, apart from the "Sons of Aries," the old faith actually seems to be pretty tolerant, and the new faith seems to be based more on the cult of Baltar instead of any true conversion.

Still more - why aren't human monotheists striving harder for human-Cylon unity? Where does the colonial religion's prophecy of Earth fit in with OTG's 'plan'? Why don't the clerics of the colonial religion continue to appropriate/interpret the mystical events of the show as evidence of their own gods' divine workings? There seem to be lots of proposed answers to all of these questions, but they are incomplete and contradictory, none of them actually adding up to anything. There is less here than meets the eye.

Another issue I had with the show is its overweening sense of melodrama - how many times did Bill Adama smash up his office, take off his admiral pins, contravene the democratic wishes of the Quorum? How many times did Lee Adama quit the service? How many fights did Starbuck instigate? How many times did sex begin with a violent confrontation between characters? Even the opening titles of the show - 'And they have a plan' - so ominous and creepy and entertaining at the beginning of the series, became such a farce that it had to be abandoned. There was never any plan. Just another melodramatic tease.

Random complaint - what happened to D'Anna? Seriously, where the fuck was she in the last 3-4 episodes? To let such a pivotal character fade into the background with no explanation is pretty unforgivable.

I know I've already complained about Starbuck as a plot device, but she deserves a little more attention. She is a superwoman: the best pilot in the fleet, the best marksman, best military strategist, best martial artist, best poker player, best musician, etc, etc. WTF?

Another issue I have with Starbuck is that no explanation is offered for her "resurrection" other than that she's an angel, even though very obvious ones occur to any casual viewer of science fiction: time travel, time paradox, and/or parallel universes. Why didn't they address these possible explanations? I thought Baltar was a scientist, and that this was a science fiction show.

The Final Five were so painfully shoe-horned into the story that they barely merit comment. Accepting them as Cylons was a major hurdle for my continued following of the show, and one of the reasons it took so long for me to finish. They are written as the parents of the Cylon race, and basically they all seem to want to return to their own kind (with the exception of Saul Tigh). But they all stay on Galactica. How come? Ellen Tigh is the worst of the bunch. Imagine the creative meeting that brought her character back as a Cylon - Q: "should she continue to be a drunken trollop, or evolve into the sage mother of all Cylons?" A: "I've got it, let's have her be both!"

The cult/harem of Baltar never made sense. Enough said.

Ok, I'd better wrap it up. The series finale is a whiplash-inducing snoozefest. We learn pointless details about the backstory of a few of the major characters, and in the present, the fleet, ready to riot over Galactica's resources, suddenly agrees to give up all technology and start over as farmers. Huh? (And actually, given the time frame of their contact with our Earth, shouldn't they be hunter-gatherers? Aw, fuck it.)

Anyway, this plot point ties back to the first problem I mentioned - characters just do things for the sake of the story, not because they are actually credible actions. If the plot requires a complete reversal on an issue, you can be sure that the character will make that reversal. The only difference in the finale is that instead of it being a single character, it is the entire human race changing its collective mind all at the same time, for the sake of a tidy little ending.

So there you have it. I could go on, but you get the idea. Very disappointing. It's sad because I think the core of the show had some great ideas and plot lines, and some really compelling drama, which in the end only served to make its failure all the more maddening and profound.

No Uglies, Please

Apparently Ashlee Simpson and Milli Vanilli aren't the only ones who do it. The plucky, cute nine-year-old who performed "Ode to the Motherland" during the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics was just pretending! But here's the real kicker - she wasn't lip-syncing to her own voice, because it wasn't even her voice to begin with!

The girl who actually sang the song was deemed too ugly to perform, so they put a prettier girl on stage. Said the show's musical director: "[she] was used [in place of the actual singer] because it was in the best interests of the country." Wow. Talented enough to sing in front of the entire world at nine years old, but told she's too ugly to be on stage? Sign this poor girl up for therapy.

Centerfold and Actress Clash Over Vaccinations

Playboy bunny Jenny McCarthy and actress Amanda Peet are having a media spat over whether vaccinating children is good public policy. Now, call me fucking crazy, but I would prefer that SCIENTISTS and DOCTORS debate the merits of childhood vaccinations and their impact upon public health on the news, rather than a couple of b-list celebrities. Is that too much to ask?

Sluts Report, I Deride

It's come to this: recently Fox put on its payroll a pornstar as a political correspondent. Yes, you read that right. But I guess it stands to reason: to Fox, news is just another form of stroke material to be packaged and peddled to an all-too-uncritical audience. So if a man watching late-night cable wants to flip to Fox News after his seven minutes of fun in front of adult pay-per-view, who am I to object? Maybe Fox is just giving the demographic what it wants.

Mr. Furious

Nothing like a jolt of outrage to spark me to post a quick rant: the headline on the Today show this morning, the headline mind you: poor Britney's tragedy - a judge takes away her two young boys. Ok, WTF! A drug-addled, alcoholic, neglectful, and all-around bad mother gets her kids taken away, and that's TRAGIC?! This is the way it should be! The tragedy is that it doesn't happen as often as it should. And it certainly doesn't qualify as news.

For Fuck's Sake

Enough already! I'm writing! Nevermind that I started with nothing to write about. I'm sitting here typing words that appear as I push the buttons. It's really quite remarkable that my fingers know where to find the letters to type even when I have nothing to say.

I could write about those bastards over at Blackwater. Nah, others have done that already. Or muse over taking a wide-stance in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport. Nope, too easy. Post a review of Superbad? It was super good. But nay, that needs to be experienced. McLovin will tell you what time it is. I watched Bionic Woman tonight, that wasn't half-bad. Probably because it had half the cast of Battlestar Galactica. Ooh, I can't wait for season four. Even if season three kinda sucked...

Hmm. Maybe I should go back to having writer's block.

Uh Oh

I have recently become acquainted with a reality television show called Rogue Nature, in which a ruggedly handsome yet strangely uncharismatic zoologist contrives encounters with wild animals. He does not look for creatures with merely a general reputation for being dangerous to humans. Instead, he specifically seeks the individuals who have shed their natural shyness and have attacked people.

Last night he sought out rogue lions. Now here's the rub: next month I'm going to be in South Africa. Guess where he was? Yup, right where I'll be. Three weeks from now, I'll be hoofing it through a game reserve near the border of Mozambique, where each year hundreds of refugees are eaten by lions while trying to cross into South Africa. Gulp!

Of Bonds and Bush

This morning the local news ran a puff piece on a fan who ran out on field during the San Francisco Giants game to shake Barry Bonds' meaty paw. One of our morning talking heads, Tim McNiff, couldn't resist taking a shot at the beefy outfielder. McNiff, who I like quite a bit (anyone who makes knowledgeable and positive on-air remarks about The Clash, Prince, and Weird Al is OK by me), quipped that Bonds talked more to that fan than he has to his teammates this year. Made me chuckle.

A bit later there was a spot about George W. Bush beaching his boat on a sandbar or some such. This elicited none of the jocular ribbing it deserved. Suddenly I wished that I lived in a world in which a television news personality could ad-lib editorials about people who really are fuck-ups. Dammat, Tim! You missed an opportunity. Oh well, I can't say I blame you. Even if you really hated GWB, I suppose you would invite a firestorm of criticism for calling a spade a spade.

Battlesuck Galactica

I love Battlestar Galactica, but it's seriously beginning to piss me off. This week's episode featured Baltar, one of television's most interesting and complicated villains, on trial for... what? Well, we don't really know exactly, but he is the villain of the show. So he's busted. Put him on trial!

I watch a fair bit of crime drama on the tele. Take Law & Order, for example. They've got one thing they do, week in and week out: every single episode follows the exact same formula. But they do it so well that I still enjoy the show.

In contrast, BSG's courtroom drama was very, very weak. The prosecutor's opening statements were dreadful, and her first two witnesses had no bearing on the case. To make matters worse, the characters who could actually provide some damning testimony against Baltar don't seem to figure at all in the prosecution's strategy. Yet the writers had the nerve to have the prosecutor arrogantly scold the president for asking her to charge Baltar with crimes she cannot prove. Missy, you're not gonna prove anything with your evidence and your witness list. Call Jack McCoy, stat!

The main complaint I have, though, is Lee Adama. The dynamic between Lee and his father Bill (and between Lee and his wife, for that matter) has become absurd. How many life-changing reconciliations and conflicts can a father and son have? A husband and wife? How many times can one character quit the service? Please. Lee's character is completely undefined; he has become merely a plot device. One of my longest-standing peeves about television is writers who change characters for no other reason than to sow discord. I've stopped watching several shows because of this.

About the only thing that will have me watching next week's season finale is the Radio, an innocuous device that seems to be affecting some of the characters in strange ways. This mildly stirred my interest. There is a lot of talk among the lads about what happened to Starbuck, one of the characters who apparently died a few episodes back. But whether they bring her back or not, they still can't fix how broken Lee Adama's character is, nor how boring the cylons have become, nor how much potential they have squandered with this season's storylines. I'm skeptical that the show can redeem itself.

A friend of mine and I were musing about the now three-season-long story arc after Sunday's episode. The program's ominous warning "And They Have a Plan" over the opening credits seems more and more like "We're Making This Up As We Go Along."