Crank Wankers

My son has mono. At least the doctor thinks so. Anyway, he was feeling really shitty yesterday. Shitty enough to sit down with his old man and watch a bad action movie!

We had seen Transporter and Transporter 2 together, and we had lamented that we didn't make it to see Crank, Jason Statham's latest offering. So when my wife came home with that DVD from the video store, our evening plans were set.

If you've seen the preview, you've just about seen this movie. Like the bus in Speed, Statham's character has to go full throttle or his heart will stop. "You've had the Bejing cocktail!?! If you stop, you die!" Or so says Dwight Yoakam's character, a strung-out doctor (!) with a taste for Vegas hookers (!!). Anyway, the concept itself makes me chuckle.

There is nothing particularly original or exciting in the movie, I'd seen most all of this before, and done better. The film relished a little too much in its own stupidity. But in spite of all of that, it managed to make us laugh. On display during its 87-minute running time: public sex, dismemberment, a boner under a hospital gown, riding a motorcycle without pants, a car going up an escalator, the word "cunt" superimposed on Statham's character as he utters the line "does it look like I have 'cunt' written on my forehead?" Talk about gonzo.

When I asked my son's favorite part, he quipped, "all of it. No wait, the public sex scene. Not to mention the best ending. Actually, change 'best' to 'most insulting.'"

And in truth, the end I'd never seen before. It's unlikely you've seen a movie that ends quite like Crank.